A bad movie can be made due to any number of reasons. A low budget, sloppy writing, lackluster acting and executive incompetence can all lead to a film’s failure.
A bad movie can also be made by rehashing a blockbuster and casting Nicolas Cage as the lead, as was the case with 2012’s “Stolen,” which may have taken its plot from a certain other film starring Liam Neeson.
“Snatched,” starring Nic-otine Cage as master thief Will Montgomery, begins with a very drawn-out bank heist that is only technically relevant to the plot.
All we really need to know from the first 20 minutes of the movie is that Will went to prison for eight years, and his cohort Vincent (Josh Lucas) got shot in the leg.
The same day that Will gets out of prison, he reunites with his daughter, Alison (Sami Gayle), who is subsequently kidnapped by Vincent. The now-amputated and unhinged taxi driver gives Will 12 hours to come up with $10 million dollars as ransom.
The rest of “Nabbed,” starring Nickle-and-Dime Cage, centers around Will indecisively flipping back and forth between trying to illegally procure a whole lot of money and trying to locate and punch Vincent to save his daughter.
“Burglarized,” starring Egg-Nic-Muffin Cage, makes use of some of 2012’s greatest film techniques, such as rapid-cut action sequences, shaky-cam running and obvious pans to not-so-subtle details which may or may not have any bearing on the plot.
There’s a number of car chase scenes, all of which come across as far less impressive than was likely intended. That said, the general bore of yet-another-car-chase in “Filched” is lessened by the wonderful facial expressions and grunts produced by Pic-Nic Cage.
There’s also rather lovely scene in “Unlawfully Obtained” that was not supposed to be nearly as funny as I found it.
After Will learns the number of the taxi-cab that Vincent is driving, we are treated to footage of [Nic-Name-Goes-Here] Cage stomping around on top of Mardi Gras traffic in New Orleans as he tries to locate the cab.
Also, the movie takes place during Mardi Gras, which is completely irrelevant, but someone in the focus group must have thought it was important enough to emphasize several times throughout the film.
It technically comes into play a few times, when the blaring music and bustling crowds prevent certain events from being seen or heard, but really New Orleans is loud enough to have justified these excuses for extending the plot on any given day.
In the same vein, the initial heist is arguably more relevant than I give it credit for, as Will reunites with his former partner in crime, Riley (Malin Akerman), and they decide to try to rob the same bank.
That way, Will can save his daughter from his other former partner in crime and apologize for being absent as a father because he got arrested while robbing a bank. Maybe just stop robbing banks and hanging out with criminals, Will?
As with a certain other movie about a kidnapped daughter from which “Plagiarized” seems to have taken much inspiration, most of the movie is about watching our leading actor beat up other, less important and lower-salary actors.
That said, if you’re going to watch a generic, middle-aged guy beat up a bunch of other generic, middle-aged guys, then why not at least be rooting for Nic-of-Time Cage in “Illegally Acquired,” where at least the action sequences are funny simply because of his presence.
As a whole, “Pilfered,” starring President Nic-son Cage, is a rather bland action movie, but its lead actor makes it worth the watch, as he always does. He’s zany, he makes ridiculous noises when he punches people (which is often), and he occasionally impacts the plot.
However, in a turn of events I appreciated more than I thought I would, Coke Nicola Cage is oddly on the receiving end of a lot of the weird lines in “Appropriated.”
One of my favorites was, “As Grandma Harlend used to said, love makes time pass, and time is certain to make love pass,” delivered by Danny Huston as Tim Harlend, an FBI detective with an admiration for Will. He doesn’t like him though. Just admires.
The quote received an appropriately confused facial tic from Arithme-Nic Cage, who then left the vehicle to continue with finding out where the plot was, because at 24 minutes in, we were still waiting for the daughter to be introduced, let alone kidnapped.
If you’re looking for a bland action movie, you can certainly do better than “Expropriated,” but if you’re like me, and have a hankering for some Thiccy-Niccy Cage every once in a while, he certainly makes it worth watching.