Basement Medicine

Kevin and Cara’s Crazy Caravan II

Kevin and Cara’s Crazy Caravan II

Kevin Paquet

March 14, 2013


Filed under Life in Orbit

Kevin Paquet is a 2009 JSC graduate. He, his wife, and their cats are currently crawling south in a camper from 1969 hooked to an SUV from 1994. For earlier installments see Basementmedicine.org. On the morning of Jan. 23, there was a knock on the camper door. This was the first knock we’d gotte...

To Have and Want Not

To Have and Want Not

Richard Schlong, Private Eye

February 21, 2013


Filed under Life in Orbit

I’d been ransacking Robert Parker’s body like Sharon Stone on her wedding night. Body of work, that is. So I gave it a break. Ernest Hemingway was on the shelf. I took him off. “To Have and Have Not.” I always choose to have and end up having not. Except with Hemingway. The first night I read...

Kevin and Cara’s Crazy Caravan

Kevin and Cara’s Crazy Caravan

Kevin Paquet

February 7, 2013


Filed under Life in Orbit

My name is Kevin Paquet. Let me tell you a story. I graduated from Johnson State College, as many of you will someday do, in May of 2009. Our commencement speaker was the former U.S. ambassador to Pakistan. I fell asleep during his speech. It was the first and only time I ever fell asleep in school. ...

The Queens Pied Piper

The Queens Pied Piper

Richard Schlong, Private Detective

February 6, 2013


Filed under Life in Orbit

The only thing she played better than the trumpet was my heart. It wasn’t hard to play my heart: just a couple keys, a few possible notes, no real exertion required. Sometimes just a pretty face would hit the right note. The trumpet, now: that took mastery. I’d hear her from my office on the ass...

The Big Screen

The Big Screen

Richard Schlong, Private Dick

December 6, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

"It’s a love story!” he was saying. “‘Love in the Dark’! Surely you must see a lot of women –” “Kid,” I said, cutting him off, “the only women I see are in magazines.” Christmas time had come again, and thought my stocking was stuffed there wasn’t a ho-ho-ho in sight, not...

MASSHOLE! Our Bay State curmudgeon bloviates on rotaries and roundabouts

MASSHOLE!  Our Bay State curmudgeon bloviates on rotaries and roundabouts

Don Eaton

November 15, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

If two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do, does that make rotaries not just right, but in fact a spiraling computer proof of god’s own intentions, a coiling helix encoded with his plan for us? Maybe elsewhere, but not here in Vermont. Rotaries, excuse me, “roundabouts,” have been...

The Hot November

The Hot November

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

November 15, 2012


Filed under Forum, Life in Orbit

It was November but I was stuck in September, mostly because I didn’t have anything to be thankful for and I hoped if I gave September another chance something might come up. Monk’s “Misterioso” on vinyl at a garage sale, fifty bucks in a birthday card, a glance I hadn’t met in a coffee shop,...

The Big Fat Wolf

The Big Fat Wolf

Richard Schlong

September 26, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

This story was credited to Dixie Schlong, Public Educator. I’d made a friend named Cain. He shortly thereafter became the first evidence of death I’d seen in as long as I could remember. I went to his house after his wife told me he wasn’t staying with us anymore. He’d checked out: he’d p...

The Dixie Chick

The Dixie Chick

Richard Schlong

September 11, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

This story was credited to Dixie Schlong, Public Educator. We were sitting on opposite sides of the living room – possibly figuratively as well. We had nothing in common but the cups of coffee we held. I thought he’d moved past it when his ass hit the couch, but he hadn’t: as I breathed his eyes...

The Stiff and the Dead

The Stiff and the Dead

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

May 3, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

“Just stick it in there,” he said. “Not too fast. That’s it. Woah – easy there. Almost had an accident. Oh, yeah. That’s it.” The coroner slammed the steel door on the female body. He’d been kind enough to let Biceps help him ease in the slab. “You boys aren’t from around here,...

Two Heart to Handle

Two Heart to Handle

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

April 12, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

I was heading out the door for my annual check-up when I got a call from my old pal Biceps De Bruder. He’d taken off some time ago, on a pilgrimage around America, searching for hidden truths. I asked him what he’d found. “I dunno,” he said. I told him I was going to the doctor, and asked...

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being the Fat Chef

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being the Fat Chef

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

March 22, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

First I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live— Then a spatula slapped across my face and things became clear. It was like this. There was a rotund Englishman, Kaufman, squinting at me with his hands clasped before his groin, 15 yards in front of me and to the left. To...

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