Basement Medicine

The Hot November

The Hot November

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

November 15, 2012


Filed under Forum, Life in Orbit

It was November but I was stuck in September, mostly because I didn’t have anything to be thankful for and I hoped if I gave September another chance something might come up. Monk’s “Misterioso” on vinyl at a garage sale, fifty bucks in a birthday card, a glance I hadn’t met in a coffee shop,...

The Big Fat Wolf

The Big Fat Wolf

Richard Schlong

September 26, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

This story was credited to Dixie Schlong, Public Educator. I’d made a friend named Cain. He shortly thereafter became the first evidence of death I’d seen in as long as I could remember. I went to his house after his wife told me he wasn’t staying with us anymore. He’d checked out: he’d p...

The Dixie Chick

The Dixie Chick

Richard Schlong

September 11, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

This story was credited to Dixie Schlong, Public Educator. We were sitting on opposite sides of the living room – possibly figuratively as well. We had nothing in common but the cups of coffee we held. I thought he’d moved past it when his ass hit the couch, but he hadn’t: as I breathed his eyes...

The Stiff and the Dead

The Stiff and the Dead

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

May 3, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

“Just stick it in there,” he said. “Not too fast. That’s it. Woah – easy there. Almost had an accident. Oh, yeah. That’s it.” The coroner slammed the steel door on the female body. He’d been kind enough to let Biceps help him ease in the slab. “You boys aren’t from around here,...

Two Heart to Handle

Two Heart to Handle

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

April 12, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

I was heading out the door for my annual check-up when I got a call from my old pal Biceps De Bruder. He’d taken off some time ago, on a pilgrimage around America, searching for hidden truths. I asked him what he’d found. “I dunno,” he said. I told him I was going to the doctor, and asked...

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being the Fat Chef

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being the Fat Chef

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

March 22, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

First I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live— Then a spatula slapped across my face and things became clear. It was like this. There was a rotund Englishman, Kaufman, squinting at me with his hands clasped before his groin, 15 yards in front of me and to the left. To...

Fry Me Deadly

Fry Me Deadly

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

March 8, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

As I awoke one afternoon from uneasy dreams, I found myself transformed in my bed into a gigantic dick. The plump Englishman at the foot of the bed was the first sign. He held a cigar so long that when he put it in his mouth he looked like Pinocchio lying. His left eye was big and pink and covered...

Naughty Nonna Knows All: advice to the perplexed

Naughty Nonna Knows All: advice to the perplexed

March 8, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit, Naughty Nonna

Dear Naughty Nonna,   My boyfriend says that if we have sex without a condom at first, that it’s ok as long as he puts it on later. This makes me a little uncomfortable. Is he right? Is this safe?   Gullible’s Travels   If you believe this, Gullible, I have a bridge...

Confessions of a Snowmaker

Confessions of a Snowmaker

Donny Eaton, Staff Reporter

February 16, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

Snowmaking, in essence, is a hubris of inverse, Ahabian proportions. Rather than roaming the seas in search of the White Whale, snowmakers roam the alpine heights trying to turn whales into the elusive white carpet which can then be spread from trail-edge to trail-edge, mountaintop to base area, allowing...

The Long Tomorrow

The Long Tomorrow

Richard Schlong, Private Investigator

February 2, 2012


Filed under Life in Orbit

It was past Christmas and I was alone. Eva had come and gone as fast and as sweet as the holidays. With her, breaking up was like breaking wind: it reeked of past dinners, some candlelit, some overshadowed by the envious eyes of other men in the room, a consequence of pleasure I’d never stopped to...

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