Reasons to Spend This Summer in Darkness


photo courtesy of Yahoo!

Batman beating the bejesus out of Bane in “The Dark Knight Rises,” the biggest reason to spend this summer in the dark.

Once more art trumps the scholar. How dumb are these guys? The Mayans foretold the end of the world in 2012? Bullshit!

But the Mayans did foresee an explosion, possibly more than one. Possibly… in audience members’ pants.

They’re coming this summer.

Summer 2012 promises to be the most exciting blockbuster summer in the history of blockbuster summers. Hollywood’s blockbuster output is increasingly corrupt, which hasn’t helped ensure H-Wood’s survival since independent Internet media began mutilating its seemingly omnipotent system.

So maybe 2012 is Hollywood’s last hurrah–and man, talk about going out with a bang. This is a blockbuster summer with integrity. One can spend each Friday in a movie theater with not guilt, but pride–so long as one carries a change of pants.

Here are films to make one glad they brought pants pair number two, listed in chronological release order.


“The Avengers.” May 3.

All these fantastic superheroes, portrayed by all these wonderful actors (Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Samuel L. Jackson, etc. etc.), in one film–written and directed by Joss Whedon (see the above article). If you’re not there opening night, you damn well better be proposing to the love of your life.

And if you really wanted her to say yes, you’d take her to “The Avengers.”


“Prometheus.” June 8.

This is the prequel to “Alien,” directed by “Alien” director Ridley Scott. The last sci-fi film he made? “Blade Runner.” As if those aren’t reasons enough to see “Prometheus,” consider this: it’s a sequel done right, a separate, connected story rather than a prologue or epilogue, thanks to writers Jon Spaihts and “Lost” mastermind Damon Lindelof.

Reason number five: Michael Fassbender.


“The Amazing Spider-Man.” July 3.

Sam Raimi’s “Spider-Man” films–the other ones–were fun, and “Spider-Man 2” was something more.

But “The Amazing Spider-Man” is the first Spider-Man movie that feels like Spider-Man as I know him, judging by the trailers. Chalk it up to screenwriting golden boy James Vanderbilt (“Zodiac”), “500 Days of Summer” director Marc “I’m Moody” Webb (that surname, talk about shameless promotion), and Andrew Garfield of “The Social Network” as a nerdy, wiseass Peter Parker, a character Tobey Maguire never quite played.

Also Emma Stone’s in it and I like ‘er ‘cause she’s perty and gots smarts.


“The Dark Knight Rises.” July 20.

“The Dark Knight” was a step toward mature comic book films so badass that had “The Dark Knight” been a character in “The Wild One,” Marlon Brando would’ve held the door for it. Writer-director Christopher Nolan, who broke in with the limp “Memento” and has been growing by leaps and bounds ever since, is shepherding another step.

Tom Hardy, the British guy in “Inception,” plays Bane, who broke Batman’s back and paralyzed him in the comics.

Anne Hathaway plays Selina Kyle, a.k.a. Catwoman. This entails skin-tight leather, and unless Nolan has switched souls and minds with Michael Bay, a captivatingly tumultuous and complex character.

Marion Cotillard, Leo DiCaprio’s haunting dead wife in “Inception,” plays a conspicuous original character, who is almost definitely a disguise for Talia al Ghul, daughter of Ra’s (Liam Neeson in “Batman Begins”) and one of Bruce Wayne’s Two True Loves in the comic.

Hathaway’s Selina Kyle is the other.

Batman in love. The world crumbling. A definite end to the story as written by Christopher Nolan.

That was my 17th orgasm.


“The Expendables 2.” August 17.

If you like guns, chicks, drinking, and brutally eviscerating anyone who dares give you a wrong look, I know where you’ll be August 17. Virginia.

Also possibly at “The Expendables 2,” just like “The Expendables,” only with more Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger and the addition of Jean-Claude van Damme and Chuck Norris.


Those are the definite pants-stainers. If one is inclined toward risky business, consider these options for at least slightly moist pantaloons:

“Total Recall.” August 3. More like “Total Ripoff,” Prince of Bland director Len Wiseman’s “Blade Runner.” But cars fly and Kate Beckinsale is in it.

“The Bourne Legacy.” August 3. Edward Norton as villain.

“Dredd.” September 21. Karl Urban (McCoy in the new “Star Trek”) plays a futuristic badass.

“Looper.” September 28. Indie-flavored sci-fi from the guy who did “Brick,” starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis.