Nazi bratwursts and other stupidity

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Nazi bratwursts and other stupidity

s3.birthmoviesdeath.com

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I have seen the true face of the Devil, and it looks an awful lot like the poster for the movie “Yoga Hosers.”

Coming from the mind of Kevin Smith, the director of “Clerks,” and “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” this movie stars Smith’s daughter as one of the leading roles. This movie is the very definition of nepotism, as well as being the single worst thing ever put to film in the history of the world.

Harley Quinn Smith plays one half of a duo, both of whom are named Colleen, with the other half being played by Lily-Rose Depp. Honestly this movie seems like an hour and a half long version of the cancer that was Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video.

IMDb’s description says that this movie is about “two teenage yoga enthusiasts [who] team up with a legendary man-hunter to battle with an ancient evil presence that is threatening their major party plans.” I say this movie is about two fathers, Johnny Depp and Kevin Smith, who just couldn’t say no to their little girls.

The real basic premise of this movie is that the two Colleens attempt to fend off Canadian Nazis made out of bratwursts from taking over their small town. Also, the bratwursts are portrayed by Kevin Smith and say nothing but “wunderbar!” regardless of the actual context of the scene.

It is actually a little baffling the amount of celebrities and actors Smith the elder managed to cram into this vomit-inducing pile of dog droppings. To paraphrase a quote from the YouTube channel Cinema Sins, “Aw man, they dragged ____ into this, didn’t they?”

Aside from Smith’s and Depp’s daughters being in this film, Depp and Smith also starred. Stan Lee made a cameo, despite the fact that this wasn’t a Marvel film. The star studded cast also included Justin Long (“Dodgeball”), Austin Butler (“Shannara Chronicles”), Tyler Posey (“Teen Wolf”), Natasha Lyonne (“American Pie”), Tony Hale (“Arrested Development”), Haley Joel Osment (“Sixth Sense”) and Jason Mewes (“Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”). No actor was safe from this god-awful movie.

The weird Nazi plot aside, there were just so many things wrong with this movie. And not just minor wrongs. No, these wrongs hurt me in my soul, and damaged how I view the world.

First of all, just because the movie takes place in Canada, does not mean that everyone needs to say “oot” and “aboot.” Sure, it was chuckle worthy the first few times, but it soon became an exercise in patience to sit through.

Next was the obnoxious teenage girl behavior, which made me want to gouge out my eyes and then my ears, in that order. I realize that these were meant to be humorous depictions, but dear lord this was like getting hit over the head repeatedly with a brick made out of sass, eye rolls, and just plain petulant hogwash.

I spent so much of this movie’s runtime cringing that I fear my face might be permanently stuck like this. This movie was one of the laziest excuses for a movie that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Nicolas Cage’s “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.”

What happened, Kevin Smith? Who hurt you like this? First you made “Tusk,” which scars me to this day, and then you make this swill, this garbage? Your earlier movies were comedic gold. Hell, you managed to accurately translate “The Divine Comedy” into an actual comedy.

This movie just feels like a couple of fathers who can’t say no to their children. The worst part about this terrible movie is that Harley Smith and Lily-Rose Depp appear to put a good amount of effort into acting like annoying brats. I do have to commend them on their efforts, but it doesn’t completely redeem them.

Despite all of the awfulness, there were subtle nods and Easter eggs to both Smith’s previous works and the works of the other actors. Tyler Posey, who currently stars as the lead role on MTV’s “Teen Wolf,” had a tidbit on the title card alluding to the show. I am willing to bet that that was entirely coincidental.

I’m sure if you wanted to go all film buff on this movie, you could find dozens of similar nods. One of the more overt ones was that the main characters had jobs as clerks at a run-down convenience store.

I wish these girls the best in their acting careers going forward, but the next time their fathers want to make a movie with them, they should consider saying no.

I don’t think I’ll be able to survive that much cinematic stupid at one time.

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