A sword, a zombie, and six wheels of cheese

I’m slowly making my way through a low-ceilinged hallway beneath the ominously named Bleak Falls Barrow. In my hands is my Dwarven Greatsword of Thunderbolts, which I’m told is a good thing to have. At the very least, it looks impressive. Roots are pushing their way through the walls, and every so often I see a hollow in the wall, filled with a gaunt corpse.
The air is still and everything is quiet, which makes it all the more unnerving when I hear the rasp of a sword being readied. My heart pounding in my ears and the theme music level rising, I whip around to find a draugr looking at me, Skyrim’s answer to the zombie.
A more seasoned gamer would know what to do. But since I’ve only just started playing this game, everything is a new and possibly terrifying experience. Like the dead coming back to life in full armor and weapons.
I clumsily dodge the draugrs’ swing and respond with a blind strike in its direction. The magical sword I’m using, which I only have because it shoots purple lightning, bites into the corpse, killing it again.
And then, to add insult to injury against this twice dead body, I rifle through its “pockets” for loose change. Three gold pieces and an ancient sword that I can sell for 30 gold later seem like a good haul.
Passing through this tunnel, through this maze of hallways, I keep robbing the urns and chests lining the halls. Most contain some amount of gold and jewels, or occasionally a potion of some sort, but some inexplicably have fresh food in them. In a world full of dragons, trolls and draugr, I think fresh food in a tomb that has lain untouched for millennia is the real magic.
I round the corner to find a man trapped in giant spider webs in the doorway. Because of course there are large spiders waiting to trap me, Frodo Baggins style. I cut him down because it seems like he’s had enough trouble already. This is apparently a mistake and I’m far too trusting, because, as soon as he’s free, he bolts away, yelling something about the treasure that I’m here for.
Chasing someone through a zombie infested maze isn’t exactly what I thought I’d be doing when I bought this game. When I bought “The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim,” I thought I’d be killing dragons and rescuing princesses, all the typical mythic stuff. But at the present moment, the only princesses I’m seeing are draugr, which I am trying my hardest to mow down left and right.
Eventually, the man runs over a trigger plate in the floor, which releases a spike wall right at my face, because of course that exists and still functions perfectly. Being the kind rescuer that I am, I immediately loot his corpse, gaining the Golden Claw, which is both a key that I need later and a valuable item.
Finally, I reach the end of the mission, tired and just chock full of random items. I thought at some point I’d run out of space to carry stuff, but apparently my storage goes into a pocket dimension, since I still look as sleek as ever. The arrow that marks my final destination points to the dais just ahead. One side of the platform has a curved wall filled with strange markings, one of which glows as I approach.
A strange and guttural chant fills the air as I am informed I’ve learned a magical “shout” for Unrelenting Force. Cool, so magic does exist.
The telltale creak of bones moving fills the now quiet air. I turn around slowly, dread turning my veins to ice. How many zombies do I have to re-kill before I can take all of my prizes and just leave? The words beneath his health bar tell me he’s a Draugr Overlord, which does sound rather impressive but also doesn’t bode well for me.
His first strikes knock me back, removing a good portion of my health. I hurriedly pause mid-battle, which is apparently an option, and eat six wheels of cheese, a haunch of venison, 10 apples and eight battles of Nordic ale. For my health.
I also poison the sword, because if I’m going to kill an Overlord, I’m going to use overkill. Unpausing, I strike back and then run like a coward. Hit and run, that’s the strategy. If he manages to hit me, eat more food.
At long last, I strike the killing blow, which plays in slow motion, like the best play in a game of football. Then I loot his corpse, as is now customary. All that food that I ate mid-battle isn’t cheap and I’ve grown accustomed to the large wheels of cheese. On him is the Dragonstone, which is the reason I came to this bleak hellhole in the first place. I put that in my pocket dimension, and I’m off.
I follow the tunnel in the corner out, which surprisingly leads me right to the surface. Why I couldn’t have just taken that tunnel in the first place is beyond me. Eventually I make my way back to Whiterun, the local settlement. Admittedly, it is a bit of a lackluster ending to the mission, but at this point I’m just happy that I’m no longer being jumped by re-animated corpses.