How to get rid of your roommate: the ultimate guide


courtesy of Dale Mackey

The author can neither confirm nor deny that this is actual ram’s blood in a jar

Ever wake up to your roommate’s screeching alarm way too early in the morning, or been kept up by their Skype calls late into the night? Maybe you’ve come home to the smell of fish coming from the microwave! Or maybe, worst of all, you’ve come home with the intent of going to sleep, only to find a sock on your door handle… groan. You’ve been sexiled.
In any of these cases, the first thing that probably goes through your mind is, “Oh, man. I wish I lived in a single.”
Well, now you can!
Look no further: here are ten bona-fide ways to get rid of that pesky roommate, along with helpful effectiveness, confrontational, and commitment ratings in our new-and-improved system!

Effectiveness: How likely a roommate is to request a room change
0: extremely unlikely.
5: extremely likely.

Confrontation: How likely a strategy is to start a fight
0: won’t start a fight.
5: most definitely will start a fight.

Commitment: How hard you have to commit to the strategy
0: You barely even have to try.
5: Takes a lot of passion to pull this one off…

So without further ado, here they are. Ten ways to repel a terrible roommate:

Number One: Talk to Them!
Effectiveness: 5 out of 5
Confrontation: 2.5 out of 5
Commitment: 1.5 out of 5
Have you tried talking to your roommate, like, ever? Do you know what their voice sounds like? A good conversation might resolve the awfulness. If you’re having problems with this person and you haven’t communicated your feelings to them, I’m sorry, but you might just be a moron. If you’re worried that you might need a mediator, draw a circle of ram’s blood on your floor and chant the archaic runes found on the insert in your student handbook given to you during fall orientation. This practice will summon the ancient and powerful creature known to many as “the RA,” who may be able to use their mystical powers of conflict resolution to solve your problem.

Number Two: Passive-Aggressive Snapchats
Effectiveness: 4 out of 5
Confrontation: 4 out of 5
Commitment: 1 out of 5
You and your roommate haven’t snapchatted each other since the summer when you found out you were paired to live together. Now, it’s time to use that for your benefit. Every now and then, just send them a selfie with the caption “i hate my roomie 2 LMFAO, cya l8r?” and then immediately a snap of the floor with the caption “oops not for u”. This will send the message that you, in fact, “hate ur roomie lol” and they’ll finally request a room change.

Number Three: Pet Cockroaches
Effectiveness: 2 out of 5
Confrontation: 3 out of 5
Commitment: 1 out of 5
A 12-pack of cockroaches costs 23 dollars on a pet website. That’s cheap compared to the upcharge of being in a single. Accounting for accidental die-off through the mail, you’ll probably end up with somewhere around eight roaches. These are the perfect little Christmas presents for each of your seven suitemates! The cockroach that you keep should be named something affectionate, like Senor Schnookums, Mr. Fluffy or Dr. Tickletoes. Insist that he must be snuggled at all times, even when you’re out of the room. That means, for at least three hours a day, your roommate must assume roach-cuddling duty. Fuzzy Wuzzy, Esq. must be held so that he doesn’t develop cockroach depression, which is truly an epidemic in this day and age.
This might also help you deepen your relationship with your roommate before you totally get rid of them. They might be the kind of sick, crazy person that actually likes cuddling cockroaches, in which case they really need to go.

Number Four: Sock Puppets with Teeth
Effectiveness: 2 out of 5
Confrontation: 5 out of 5
Commitment: 2 out of 5
Your roommate has so many socks in that top drawer and won’t miss two or three. A black permanent marker or googly eyes on either side will work just fine to give your puppet vision. Add white paper triangles to your puppet’s mouth with hot glue. If you’re feeling extra creative, walk out into the woods and grab some old animal teeth from the shrine to the Old Gods down near Lower Pond. Glue those in for the rustic look. Make two, one for each hand. When your roomie goes to bed, borrow a lock or two of her hair to put the finishing touches on your darling creations.
When your roommate is sitting at her desk and being annoying by just generally existing, army crawl over to her and start your puppet show. Topics covered in your pop-up puppet performance should include but are not limited to infectious disease, the Adam and Eve story, your opinions about the current president and, most importantly, a seven-minute performance of the two sock puppets having sex with different voices.

Number Five: Consumption
Effectiveness: 4 out of 5
Confrontation: 5 out of 5
Commitment: 5 out of 5
Everyone gets hungry now and then. Instead of getting on your winter clothes and heading out into the cold for late night, just eat some of your roommate’s stuff! Make no mistake here; none of your roomie’s possessions are off-limits. None of them. Don’t pay $6 for Ben & Jerry’s when you can pay no dollars for your roommate’s favorite pair of pants.

Want a salad? Their plants are perfect prunings for a bowl of the good green stuff. Thirsty? There’s a bowl of water on your roommate’s desk. The fish is just a slippery garnish on this refreshing drink. Yummy!

Number Six: Scream
Effectiveness: 4 out of 5
Confrontation: 5 out of 5
Commitment: 2 out of 5

Number Seven: Weird Smells
Effectiveness: 2 out of 5
Confrontation: 1 out of 5
Commitment: 4 out of 5
It could be socks, it could be body fluids. It could be a weird marriage of the two. Either way, it’s spicy in your sinuses and it makes your eyes water. This miasma is the best chance you have to repel a clingy roommate.
Because it can be pretty simple to mask odors in a dorm, you must commit to soiling every single item in your room. Take the remainder of the jar of ram’s blood used in number one and leave it out to curdle or smear it on the walls. It’s a roommate repellent and a cool decoration: a twofer!
If your roommate buys an air freshener or other kinds of deodorizers, you must pee in them. No exceptions. Which leads me to…

Number Eight: Mark Your Territory
Effectiveness: 4 out of 5
Confrontation: 5 out of 5
Commitment: 4.5 out of 5
While it’s very similar to weird smells, this one involves a bit more planning. Yes, you could pee on everything a second time, but if you’re getting dehydrated from all the peeing and you want to supplement it with more versions of “this is mine,” buy a label maker and 40 yards of label tape. Spend an afternoon (or three) making labels. They should all say “MINE” in the boldest, largest font you can find. Slap them on everything, and boy, do I mean everything.

Every single writing utensil and hair tie on their desk: BAM! “MINE.”
Their pillow? “MINE.”
If your roommate bothers you by taking a midday nap, slap a label on them too. Serves them right for interrupting your afternoon loud techno jam sesh.
The other option is to lick things to claim them as your own. Take a page out of your dog’s book and drool on everything in the room. Legally, now it’s yours.

Number Nine: Marry their Dad
Effectiveness: 5 out of 5
Confrontation: 5 out of 5
Commitment: 5 out of 5
Step one: match with their dad on Tinder. Step two: marry him. Congratulations on becoming a step-parent! Now that you are this person’s legal step-parent, they have to listen to you. When they’re slobbish or lazy, just say, “I am your parent and you must listen to me. Now go clean your room.” Since you live together in the same room, they will also have to clean up your stuff, too. Bonus points if you make dad jokes.
Once you marry their dad, you no longer have to live in the residence halls. You can live in their dad’s house free of charge. Problem solved!

If you haven’t gotten rid of your roommate but you’re at the end of this list, there is one last thing you must do…. which leads me to:

Number 10: Accept them.
If all of your devious plans have failed, they’re clearly the stronger human. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. You’re somewhere in the middle, and you’ve failed, too. Leave a dead rat on their pillow as a peace offering. You lose, asshole.
Can’t accept defeat? You could just drop out of college and be homeless. Can’t share a room if you don’t have one. You also can’t share a room if it’s a cardboard box that fits only you. So there, old roomie! Who’s laughing now?